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Mean Girls (Full Screen Edition)
By Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Tina Fey, Tim Meadows, Amy Poehler, Ana Gasteyer, Lacey Chabert, Amanda Seyfried, Lizzy Caplan, Daniel Franzese, Neil Flynn, Jonathan Bennett, Rajiv Surendra, Elana Shilling, Graham Kartna, Ely Henry, David Aherne, Ayo Agbonkpolo, Molly Shanahan, Jonathan Malen
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When I end up saying I hate everything.
Cause everytime I say it to myself.
Its actually true. And I feel so fucking guilty, cause, then that means, I hate my family and friends. But I really dont.
My mind has issues that runs everywhere. And yet, I feel good.
Last night..
I had a dream that I killed everyone I ever cared for.
And I woke up from it. And... laughed...
Does that make me cruel?
I don't want to be this way..
I don't want that darkness of mines from my past, to haunt me again, I want her to stay inside.
Want to know her point of view..
Everything is pathetic
Everything deserves to drop.
You belong in the darkness.
And you need to make those who make you now dissapear.
She is so..
sick...
but she listens to me...
but still..
I was going to be sended to a camp for disoriented teens. But my mother said no because she believes I could fight through my problems. Out of my family, she is the only one that knows whats wrong with me. She is the only one I could trust. People told me I have issues.
"Why you cut yourself?"
"Why are you so depressed and fucking angry?"
"Die... just go ahead and kill yourself, you want to die, then die"
Those words are the reason I am what they are asking.
But now, I feel myself numb doll who could smile.
I am still this dark soul, trapped into this cursed doll.
Nothing is wrong with me today, but those are emotions that never run out.
Haha
I sound very pathetic
Oh well thats me
Hahahaha
=)
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| Love...
People make such a big thing about it. But only because with that one special person, they feel so happy, but me? I hate the emotion of love...
I never felt it..
And never will.
It disgusts me how someone could let them selves fall into such emotion because they end up being weak. And letting that person get to them, but the next thing you know, its when it happens. All the lies and decivement come.
But maybe I am wrong.
I maybe feel like this because I hate the emotion so much, that I might need it.
I am not looking for anyone.
I just hate that emotion with a passion that burns my heart.
Not loving, I can't help but to give a smile about it.
And a laugh.
And a tear.
Hahahaha
I sound so pathetic, but maybe, me sounding like this, I feel better. I think, I will be alone forever. I will hold this red rose, and make it turn jet black.
I won't join anyone in death, because I will die alone.
You can opiniate about this, I really don't mind.
But
All I say, love is a razorblade near your skin.
When it touches, it makes you bleed.
But I can't help but to think...
I NEED that special guy...
But I won't meet him..
You'll never find someone who is worthy of a wounded person, who could put those wounds to rest | | |
| Today was normal day
I think
I mean dreams always wake up a person
But like
how about my dream?
Its like me and my friend had the same dream.
But diffrent
In her dream someone help her fight her darkness
and In my dream I had no one
I was alone
Facing my darkness
Her blood red eyes who feast every second of its lifetime with the darkness swirling inside of me.
"You should come back to me" Its what it said.
Its voice sending chills down my spine. Making me feel... relaxed..
I was alone.
All alone.
"No! I Won't go back to you! Your the one who messed up my life and made me hurt people and myself"
And it laughs. "Poor human emotions, thats not what you had! You had emotions like me! A demon! You didn't trust, you didn't care! You hated everything, even yourself!"
I fall on my knee's
and shreedded black wings behind me.
"Your not suppose to be like this. Trusting your friends, loving them! What is wrong with you! You know it yourself that your getting hurt at their process! You believe the words of that rose, that miserable rose... and let her make you happy! How?!"
I stare at it with blank eyes.
"No! Your wrong, it was my friend Rumiko who helped me through all this shit! And your saying she is pathetic! The only pathetic one is you!"
"hahaha, don't make me laugh! Look at my eyes, I want your eyes to have that same darkness refill in them! The blood lust and lust for darkness in them as well! Don't let just a fucking pityful human take care of that! She won't! and never will! She won't understand! she is-"
I decided to take its head off.
Killing it.
Its body disinagrated. But before it died, it said "You will never escape me... never i am always inside of you.. Shadow..."
And then I woke up.
You know something
I am getting sick and tired of all this shit about being miserable!
So what!
I am getting sick of being dragged into anger all the time
But I can't never avoid it can't I?
But I can fight it
I am not weak!
Never I was!!
And I never would be!
I will try to trust
I will try to get out this unbreakable shell!
I wont give up...
Never... | | |
| Wow I havent written here for a long while
I guess its time to start again
Today I just came from my vacation in Dominican Republic
It was so boring
And stressing
And depressing
Meh, I call my friend yesterday and I try to sound happy but I fucking suck at it.
But maybe she thought I was
Maybe, she is too smart, she knows me too well
Or does she?
That I would know myself
Voices, Nightmares haunt my head.
Be alone is what they always tell me.
To kill the people you care for in their insides
The voice is powerful should I listen to it?
Should I sink back into the darkness that haunts me everyday?
I am getting sick and tired of being depressed
But its inevitable
I have no one next to me to save me
Please, I need a warm hug, to save me from my sorrows.
From this neverending winter in my soul.
I am darkness
I am Ice
Could it change?
The song I am listening, helps me express myself even better.
I hate myself
Would I hate everything else that I love soon? | | |
| Today I actually feel better.
Better than the 2 days.
But obivous the depressed emotion of mines won't leave out of my system.
I wonder why?
I am destine to be depressed for enternity?
If so, then life must hate me alot.
If it hates me, then it should know that I despise it soo much that my heart burns like the millions suns in hells depths.
I really feel... weird today....
It must be the music I am listening to in my Ipod.
It makes alot of sense to me..
Anywho, can someone explain to me why these emotions won't leave me? I need help on this.
Because its burning my soul, into black fire.
Darkness...
That pool
The snakes are coming out among to feast on my soul. And swallow me back into their demisement punishmental acts.
The darkness, its like me.
Cold, Dark, Empty.
I don't have the nickname of Shadow for nothing.
I am a shadow.
I watch with my eyes, all the smiles and laughter around me.
And it makes my heart cringe in disgust.
I really don't want to turn as how I was in the past.
Such a disgusted person at everything...
I hate myself even more if I did.
Damnit, I think I might go out to go fix my hair or something.
Because I am really bored right now.
Only thing I am entertained with is listening Story Of The Year.
Oh well.
I might post another entry later.
"And never again, never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head, and we are all dead now"
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